1. Being a job description for the post of immigration officer, Heathrow Airport.

Ever secretly dreamed of being the dictator of some small South American country?

Ever wanted to make people grovel at your feet and beg for mercy? Ever wanted to feel like the most powerful person in the world? Then this job is definitely for you.

 

• When supplicants arrive at your counter, on no account say ‘good morning’ or ‘welcome to Britain’. Even a simple ‘hello’ may encourage over-familiarity. Instead, bark (this is vital), ‘Why are you here?’
• if anybody mentions the words ‘academic’ or ‘research’, look very, very suspicious (you may wish to practise narrowing your eyes and baring your teeth).  Musicologists In particular should be treated with extreme caution (although if you actually know what a musicologist is, then you are over-qualified for this job).
• Remember that a working holiday visa has been issued solely for the purposes of ‘extended cultural enrichment’. (If the thought should occur to you that two years is rather a long period to do nothing but be culturally enriched, banish it). Important note: undertaking a little freelance research (there’s that word again) or writing does in no way count as cultural enrichment. As Alexander Pope put it, a little learning is a dangerous thing.
• It is your duty to teach people passing into the UK  that glib expediency is always better than honesty. On no account is any variation on the standard interchange to be allowed. We are British and we like rules. (After all, we’ve been ruled by a Germany family ever since Handel began writing operas, although the two events are not necessarily connected.)
• Therefore, don’t ever, ever let anybody try to explain themselves. (Note: Australians are particularly given to this.) If anyone ventures to put together more than three words at a time, tell them they’re being rude and aggressive. You should practise yelling a lot; an extended stream of vitriol will come in handy at this point. (Note: if you know what the word irony means, don’t even bother applying.)
• If they refuse to grovel in an appropriate manner (lowered eyes, aspect of abject humiliation, attempts to kiss feet etc.), threaten to cancel their visa. Works every time.